In our last post, we spoke about the importance of being a good father. Today, our topic is a delicate one; it is entitled “Eight Ways Spousal Abuse Can Affect Your Family”?
After reading a comment from one of my Facebook followers, I thought I would attempt to write on abuse in the home.
Fathers, remember, together with our wives, we share the responsibilities of molding and growing our children up for tomorrow.
Disclaimer: This blog seeks to address a topic that, although applicable to both husbands and wives, is aimed at husbands in this instance since we are focusing on Father’s Day and celebrating fathers.
Sponge
Did you ever experience your child either singing a song verbatim they heard a few times or speaking out a movie word for word?
Of course, you have; they all do it. You did it, and I did it. They can do it because of repetition – after seeing and hearing a song or a movie a few times, that’s the result; they are much like a sponge.
Spousal Abuse
Children learn in various ways, and one of them is by observation; their personality is being molded by what they see us doing.
They emulate us – our tone, our mannerism, and our actions. The big question is: what are they picking up from you today? Think about it.
Step out of yourself and honestly ask yourself if you would like them to treat their spouse or significant other the same way you treat your wife, their mom if you are an abusive father.
Our behavior with our spouse today can impact their behavior with their spouse and other people tomorrow.
Now, if this is true, it means that what we say can and will leave a lasting impression on their mind. Spousal abuse is not right for our spouse and our children.
Bible Teaching
There are many bible scriptures on how husbands should treat their wives, like Colossians 3:19, where the Word of God says: “husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them”.
And there are many more scriptures on this topic. This way of living is unhealthy for you, your wife, and your children, again, if you are abusive to your wife.
Physical Strength
1 Peter 3:7 (Amplified Version) says this: “In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman.
Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.”
As a father, as a parent, we are setting an example for our children to follow; they shouldn’t learn spousal abuse from us.
Respect
Ninety-nine percent of the time, we are physically the stronger ones; we shouldn’t use this strength against our family.
If you have a daughter, will it be okay for their boyfriend or husband to strike them? If it’s not okay – and it’s really not – then it’s not okay for you to do it to your wife, their mother.
This does not make you a man; instead, this action may cause them to lose all respect for you, with the added effect of eroding her trust in your ability to love and keep her safe.
Feelings
Here are some feelings a wife and children may experience when they live in a household with spousal abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, mental): fear, helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, desperate sadness, shame, bitterness, guilt, anger, and resentment. Even hatred.
What will be the effects of these feelings on their lives in the days and years to come?
1 Fear and Spousal Abuse
There are homes with children crying because of abuse, and sometimes it’s not based on them being abused themselves but seeing their father beat their mother.
If you can do that to their mom – your wife – possibly regularly, then they will be living in a state of perpetual fear, afraid for themselves, fearful for their mother, wondering when next it will happen and if you will turn on them, too.
2 Helplessness
The question they may be asking themselves is, why is daddy constantly beating mommy?
They may not be able to do anything about it now because they fear you will turn on them, and as a result, they feel helpless while continuously asking themselves why.
A child shouldn’t have to experience this or any abuse in their formative years. If you are such a dad, please, stop right now and consider seeking help.
3 Hopelessness
A child should feel safe at home and not want to stay away from home because of abuse. The outside world is already so challenging that they shouldn’t have to deal with a challenge at home.
How is your wife supposed to function correctly as a mother to your children under those conditions?
4 Loneliness
How can a child living under these conditions ask their friends to come over and play? Can a child learn properly under those conditions? Will a child be able to speak to anyone about their situation?
Is this the kind of life a child should be experiencing as they grow? No, it’s not.
The nurturing years of a young child should be full of joy and laughter, not tears and distress from seeing their mom beaten.
They should be able to ask friends over without wondering if, at any time, their dad might beat their mother.
5 Bitterness
Over time bitterness may build up as the abuse continues. It can build up in the wife and also the children.
This is a feeling a child shouldn’t have towards a parent, but after seeing constant abuse towards their mom, that might happen.
6 Anger
Bitterness can then turn to anger, and this is very unhealthy for the family unit. Your family shouldn’t feel threatened and come to anger when you are around.
It’s not right. Of course, it’s so because of spousal abuse.
7 Guilt
Why should your children go around wondering what they did wrong? They are looking for excuses for your actions. They shouldn’t have to live with guilt when they didn’t do anything wrong.
8 Spousal Abuse and Forgiveness
After months or most times years of being abused, how will your family see you when they look at you or think of you? Will they be able to forgive you? How can they forgive you? This is something that only victims of domestic abuse can understand.
Why forgive? Forgiving a father who constantly abused their family – whether physical, verbal, emotional, or mental – might be hard for the wife and children to do.
However, it’s something over time they need to do, for themselves more than for you. Forgiveness will be hard to come by, and all must make efforts to achieve this goal.
Stop Spousal Abuse
If you are abusive towards your wife, whether physically or verbally, you need to stop. Your wife is supposed to be your partner, your confidant, your lover, and the mother of your children. She is supposed to be protected by you, not from you.
If you need help, seek help if you love your wife and children and care about their well-being.
Help
If you live in Trinidad and Tobago and need help, we have listed a few Governmental Agencies on the sidebar of this article for you to call and you can also reach out to Families In Action here.
Additional you can call Children’s Authority at 996 / Child Protection Unit at 999 / Childline TT at 131 / Student Support Services at 868-724-1010
Marriage
Fathers, marriage is supposed to be holy matrimony as it is written in Mark 10:7-9 “For this, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate”. Our actions shouldn’t be the reason for separation, and our children shouldn’t have to grow up in a battle zone.
Conclusion
As the head of the home, our Father in Heaven expects us to love and honor our wife. In this way, we are indeed following God’s instruction in Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up our children in the way they should go; even when they are old they will not depart from it”.
I recommend a study of the book of Proverbs – there are many nuggets and instructions about godly living and how we as fathers ought to relate to our children.
As you read and meditate on the words of the wisest man who ever lived, see yourself through the eyes of our heavenly Father and pause and reflect – selah! Let’s do our part and do it well. Spousal abuse shouldn’t be a behavior we dish out to our spouse.
